I want to talk about the masculine. I know there has been a lot of dialogue lately about toxic masculinity, shadow masculine or unhealthy masculine. I want to talk about what the healthy masculine can look like.

Decisive planned action
One trait that comes to mind which resides in the mature, healthy or light side of the masculine is the ability to take decisive, planned action. For example, perhaps you need a new car. Acting out of the mature masculine, you will ask your spouse for input into what features are needed on a new car. You will work with your partner on the budget you have available and consider what you can afford. You will do some research into car models that meet your needs. If along the way someone has new information you had not considered, you will take it into account and revise your plan as needed. Then you will go out and find a car which works and buy it.

Action without thought
I believe the shadow side of this trait is taking action without thought, planning or reflection. The immature or the toxic masculine will decide an action is needed and then jump in without a plan, without asking for input. When they come across new information or people advising them to slow down or stop, they refuse to take it into account. They are totally focused on completing the action they had decided upon no matter who they have to run over or what new information comes to light.

MORE TRAITS OF THE MATURE MASCULINE
Authoritative Leadership - a good leader will lead with the proper authority. They have the appropriate skills and knowledge to lead. If they don't know something or have the needed skill, they are able to say so and recruit someone to the team who will fill that gap. They can inspire people to work well together. They make plans which include input from everyone and then when required they can make the hard decisions which may not be popular, but which serve the good of all.

Provider - A good provider will take care of the needs of the people in their life. They provide shelter and food. For example, my Dad worked hard his entire life to provide for us. Several times he took on a second job delivering pizza or working as a security guard at night, even after working in an office all day. Even after he earned a doctoral degree in history, he delivered pizza in order to put food on the table for us. This is an example of a good provider.

Strength - In the mature masculine, strength is evident. It does not have to be advertised. It is shown by example. Strength of character and strength of body are encouraged and sought after. They don't need to be validated in their strength, they know it is there. Weaknesses are not shaming events, they are opportunities for encouragement and renewed determination.

Ability to hold Safe Space and create safety - Someone who embodies this for me is Mr. Rogers. He likes me just the way I am, even though we never met. I knew that he would always listen and be a safe person to be myself with.

Protective - feeling protected can go along with holding safe space. Having someone stand up for you or with you against opposition can help us feel safe. Those strong in the mature masculine will protect someone because we love them and know they have intrinsic value and we want to do what is best for them.

Independent
Assertive
Self-reliant
Ambitious, goal-oriented
Logical

IMMATURE MASCULINE
I'll put in just a few examples to counteract the mature examples, even though I do want to focus on the higher side of masculine traits in this article. Unfortunately, we have had a lot of real life examples in the immature masculine quadrant lately.

Tyrant, bossy - a tyrant provides leadership by fear. They tell everyone what to do without taking into account what anyone else wants. They make demands and expect them to be followed.

Stronger than x - in the immature masculine, there is a need to prove they are stronger or better than everyone else. There is a constant need to demonstrate they can kick someone’s ass and make sure everyone else knows it. Perceived weakness is shamed and belittled. They must prove/show they are in the right, especially when they start to realize they are wrong.

Jealous/Possessive - the shadow side of being protective is feeling jealous and possessive. If I am only protecting something because it is mine and no one else can touch it, that is not the same as protecting it and doing what is best because we love it or know it has intrinsic value. The thing we try to keep away from other people can often be a person, supposedly the person we care for the most. However, we really only care that they belong to us.

Selfish
Aggressive
Angry
Boastful
Stoic, unemotional

CONCLUSION
Remember that we all have masculine and feminine within us. I have seen all of these traits in women as well as men. I have seen a lot of these things within myself. Just as a side note, when I realized I was a woman with strong mature masculine traits, it helped me see that I was not just an awkward female. I have a strong masculine side and it is a feature, not a bug. When I embraced this, I was able to be more confident in myself and in what I do well.

All of these traits are on a spectrum, these ideas are not black and white. You may find that my lists and my examples do not ring true for you, and that is fine. Please build your own examples of what the healthy masculine means to you and then find people who embody those traits and recognize their goodness. My purpose in writing this is to start a dialogue and to give us some positive examples of healthy masculinity to counteract so many low examples we have seen lately. I find life to be so much better when we can appreciate what is good rather than only thinking about what is bad.

Let us try to embrace the Mature Masculine and leave behind the Immature Masculine. I hope these examples can give you an idea of what healthy masculine behavior can look like. I hope you have people in your life who embody these traits for you.


Do you have a question or want more clarification? Want to send me feedback?
Please email me at MaryCuddler@gmail.com.

Mary Sorensen is a Cuddle Party Facilitator, Cuddlist practitioner, writer and speaker who wishes she could quit her day job as an office manager in Salt Lake City. She loves to sing, work in the garden, read and talk about communication. She also loves to facilitate events and opportunities for fellow explorers as they seek to become the highest and best version of themself. www.MaryCuddler.com

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