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Reframing Rejection
Could hearing No be a good thing?
No one likes to hear someone say No to us. I know it can feel like they are rejecting everything we are and disapproving of our whole self. We get our hopes up that we may have found someone who wants to share with us, and we take the scary plunge and let them know we are interested, and they say No. I know we have all felt that droop and pulling in on our self when we realize our hopeful expectation will not be met this time.
We are all looking for connection and we all get disappointed or dejected when we are hopeful it might be there, but find it actually is not. Many of us decide that it isn't even worth trying. We feel like if we don't put ourselves out there, there will be no chance for rejection.
Reframing
I CHOOSE to see it a different way. When we reframe, we change our point of view or move the frame on a picture to see things in a different and more positive way. In any situation there is always some positive that can be found and emphasized instead of getting overwhelmed and completely stuck in something not fun which is just part of life. The picture or the reality doesn't change; our outlook changes. We can do this consciously for ourselves. It is a skill that gets better with practice. Let's reframe rejection together.
What risk?
You entered the room without having a connection, so if you leave the same way, that is just status quo. Nothing is lost. There is no risk here. If you do find a connection, that is a gain! Something you didn't have before! If you decide to ask, it is really a no risk proposition because if the answer is No, you just stay exactly where you were. There is nothing lost, but there is a lot that could be gained.
Remember that YOU know what you are worth and no one else's opinion of you is going to change that. You know you have a lot to offer. If you don't know that yet, it is time for you to affirm it for yourself. You need to recognize your own worth or you won't believe other people when they tell you of your value. When you find someone who sees you, appreciates you, and feels drawn to you, there is a possible connection. Anyone who doesn't see your value is not worth worrying about or wasting your mental space on. Release them to the world with a whole heart to find their own place.
Rejecting yourself? Stop that.
If you don't put yourself out there, you are creating rejection for yourself. You are rejecting yourself on behalf of the entire human race. Is that really fair? Do you know for a fact what every single person in the whole world wants? If you do, I know a lot of marketing companies that would be very interested in you.
When no one has a chance to meet you, you are withholding yourself from the people who are looking for you.
I promise, your people are out there wishing they were with you, just as you wish you could find them.
The upshot is that you are anxious you will be alone, so you make yourself alone. We know that isn't logical, but the emotional mind is not logical. As a facilitator for connection events, I know that if you approached me with this fear at the beginning of an event, I would help you look for an appropriate connection, or stay with you until you felt comfortable doing it on your own. I am sure other connection facilitators would be happy to offer you the same. You don't have to be alone. Use your voice and ask for help from resources that are available and open to you. You could also bring a friend to help bolster your enthusiasm for searching for connection and remind you how wonderful you really are.
I won't lie, there is always a chance you won't find anyone you want to connect with at any given event. However, there is a 100% chance you won't find anyone to connect with if you don't go and meet some new people. Anyone you do have a pleasant interaction with puts you in the plus column. At any kind of gathering, I can always find someone to at least have an interesting conversation with, and that connection is not trivial.
Trust issue - can I really trust you to say No to me?
When someone tells me No, it is actually a relief to me. It shows me that I can trust them to give me their true answer. Because I have a strong, self-confident persona, it is sometimes difficult for me to discern if people are going along with what they think I want, or they actually want to do what I have proposed. Let me be clear. When I ask what you would like, I actually truly and genuinely want to hear your real answer.
Saying Yes when you want to say No is very disrespectful.
When I propose sharing a hug or more, I genuinely want to know if you are fully invested or not. I am looking for a healthy, wanted connection and interactions that will nourish my soul. I want that for you too. If you are not ready to answer with a "Hell, yes", then I would much rather move on and see if I can find someone who does want to answer "Hell, yes" to me. If you are uncomfortable or actually wanted to say No, that connection won't be there. You will NOT be giving me what I wanted if you say Yes when you want to say No. It is actually very disrespectful to represent yourself as a Yes when you would have rather said No.
It doesn't do anything for me if you tolerate an interaction with me. In fact, just writing that sentence feels very hurtful and painful to me. I never want anyone to tolerate a hug or a touch from me. If that is how you feel about it, please, please, say No! I am absolutely not in the business of forcing hugs or anything else on anyone. My mission is to facilitate healthy, WANTED connections that will feed and nourish us both. I want to help you learn how to find those connections on your own with confidence.
Saying Yes to my face and then backing out is horribly disrespectful.
How many times have you bowed to pressure, committed to something and then ghosted it? Just flaked out? How many times has someone done this to you just to get you off their back? Wouldn't you have rather gotten the No up front? You might have had time to find someone else or figure something else out, instead of having to scramble at the last minute. It is the height of disrespect to say Yes and then flake out. Just say No in the beginning. I will always remember my high school prom date. He said yes, but then just ignored me. I was excited to have a date, to know there was someone who wanted to spend time with me. However, that was not true. He did not want to spend time with me. I will never know why he said yes. I went to Prom by myself. I might have been able to find another date to have a special night with if he had just given me his real answer in the beginning.
Saying No is Respectful.
As we search for real, wanted, healthy connections, it is important to respect anyone who has the courage enough to ask by giving them our real, true answer. It is also important to realize the same when we are the ones asking. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? That will not give us the soul food we are looking for. Do you really want to say Yes to someone you don't want to be with? You are letting yourself in for a lot of uncomfortable exchanges. You are also tying yourself and your would-be partner up in a doomed exchange when they could be moving on to find what they are really looking for. Also, remember that your partner did everything right by asking and waiting for your answer. If you say Yes when you wanted to say No, you are making your partner into an unconscious perpetrator. That is a horrible thing to do to anyone. Please respect your partner enough to say No when you want to.
It is also good to remember that we don't want be unconscious perpetrators ourselves so hearing No is a good thing. Help them know that it really is all right for them to say No. Give them space (physically and timely) to answer. When someone answers No, an appropriate response is "Thank you for taking care of yourself and giving me your true answer. I appreciate it. Thank you for respecting me enough to trust me with your true answer and know that I will respect it." (Credit to Cuddle Party.)
It takes as many No's as it takes to get a Yes.
Try reframing your thoughts. Instead of, 'no one will want to be with me', how about - 'I will invite people to talk with me until I find one I want to spend more time with'. Look at it as an opportunity to find a positive without worrying about possible negatives.
The truth is, it takes as many No's as it takes until you find a Yes. That's all. You could even make it a contest. Instead of counting the phone numbers you get or dates you successfully make, challenge your friends or your wingman (or wingsister) to see how many No's you can get. You have control over your actions in trying to connect with people, you have no control over their compatibility or desire to share connection with you. You won't know if you are compatible until you make some time together and try to get to know them and give them a chance to know you. When you ask and assume the answer will be No, then when you find a Yes, that will be a lovely surprise.
I have not failed 10,000 times, I have successfully found 10,000 ways that do not work. - Attributed to Thomas Edison.
Focus on the find
I hope you can focus on finding one you want to connect with, instead of worrying about how many you may talk with in order to find them. When we go shopping for that certain item of clothing, we are focused on what we are looking for. If I want a blue silk dress shirt, I'm not going to take the first brown cotton tee that pops up in front of me. I will sort it out of the way, with respect, and then keep looking until I find something that suits me. Of course the shirt cannot give consent, but I hope the analogy still stands. I'm not upset that the brown cotton won't work for my style. I just move on to look at the next one. The brown cotton will be there when someone else comes along who is looking for exactly that and can appreciate it for what it is. Maybe I do find a blue shirt that looks good at first, but it doesn't fit me right. It can be a little sad to realize this, but I don't waste a lot of time trying to make it fit when it doesn't or wearing it anyway and being uncomfortable. I go back to the store and find the right size because at the end of the day, I need something that will actually work for me and bring happiness.
What is the goal?
Remember the end goal, which is to find those people you can actually enjoy a healthy, wanted connection with. We want to find and connect with those people that will feed and nourish us the same way we can feed and nourish them in an equal relationship. With this mindset, hearing a No will not be cause for sadness or distress, it will be an occasion to say "Thank you for taking care of yourself and trusting me with your No." Remember, you still have everything you came with; you have lost nothing. You are the same person you were before no matter what someone else may say to you or think of you. Nothing has changed. 'No' only signifies that it is time to move on with a whole heart and a smile and talk to someone new.
Do you have a question or want more clarification? Want to send me feedback?
Please email me at MaryCuddler@gmail.com.
Mary Sorensen is a Cuddle Party Facilitator, Cuddlist practitioner, writer and speaker who wishes she could quit her day job as an office manager in Salt Lake City. She loves to sing, work in the garden, read and talk about communication. She also loves to facilitate events and opportunities for fellow explorers as they seek to become the highest and best version of themself. www.MaryCuddler.com